A Man, A Child - Domestic Violence

Guest blog by Anon.

Little background - I'm 39yrs old and a father of one son. My parents are both in their 60's, they have been separated since I was 10yrs old. I'm currently single. An Atheist, opinionated and an advocate of equality and freedom for all, sometimes a contrarian. ;-)

 

Whilst I feel personally this isn't domestic violence or abuse on a scale of which I'm aware of others suffering, it sufficiently impacted me to damage my relationship with my parents and lead me into periods of depression, anxiety and insecurity.

 

My mum and dad met while on a working holiday, it was a holiday fling while both in their very early 20's. After the season ended, they both returned home, swapped addresses but with no plans to contact each other, they did however live in the same city. This geographical closeness enabled my mum to easily contact my Dad, and turn up at his parents house to inform him of the news she was pregnant. To my Dad's credit, he didn't run away from his responsibilities, and curtailed his next working holiday plans to find work locally and support my mum and the pending me. In addition, my mum was an aspiring academic who had aced her A levels and was taking a break before heading to university.

 

There are many a couple who would have taken a decision to abort, or many a father who would abdicate his responsibilities, so I understand their frustrations of this life changing event putting their ambitions on hold, or derailing them completely and I'm grateful for the life and support they gave me.

 

As memories go, I cannot really remember much before the age of 4 or 5. Although when I was 3, a sibling arrived, so it was clear my mum and dad were making a go of family life and they had saved up enough to deposit on a house and we had a family home. Up until about the age of 7 or 8, I don't remember anything unusual or destructive happening, but after that age, the atmosphere and the dynamics (I didn't know that word then!), I was aware were changing.

 

My father wasn't around very much and my mum rarely spoke or engaged with me, my dad then took a job working away from home from weeks at a time, looking back its clear now that those years from 8 - 10, were when their relationship was floundering, its also clear now that my mum would have been suffering from depression (something she still intermittently suffers with today). When my dad did come home there was lots of shouting and arguments and this gradually escalated to his temper being turned on to me. (I've never been aware of my dad hitting my mum, but he certainly created fear for her).

 

The time I felt the physical force was after leaving the back door open (something innocuous) but obviously a tipping point for him. I was chased into the living room pinned up against the wall by my throat, while covering myself from his swinging fists, I believe I was 10 years old at this point. This was the only real violent episode, I managed to escape another until he had calmed down, although the threat and intimation of more was always there, even as an adult, he came for me, but managed to control himself before letting fly. 

 

During this time, I had also taken some beatings from my mum, who was arguably more volatile than my dad, although obviously not as strong, however, she did throw a knife at me in a rage, it missed and stuck in the wall behind me.

 

These instances, I don't think have had a lasting impact on me, I was in an era when it was not uncommon for a friend to get a slap or hit, even in school the smacked bottom/ruler on the palms punishment was in use. Now I can see how wrong all this was, and if my son was subject to physical punishment in school, I would be discussing it with the Head. I don't advocate any form of physical punishment however light touch people think they can do it, it sends out the wrong message.

The behaviour that has the lasting impact on me was the emotional side, my parents were going though their own pain, so I was a side issue. I distinctly remember as a child feeling very alone and isolated, and have always felt I brought myself up from the age of 11/12 onwards. One lasting comment, that my dad made to me when I was in my early 20's, that hasn't left me, but I have got over......

 

......we were sat at a table in a Chinese restaurant, conversation was limited, as it always was and still is, but he commented on how better his life could have been, if it wasn't for me. Surprisingly, I enjoy Chinese food as much as ever!

 

My 20's and early 30's were full of emotional turmoil, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, leading to reckless behaviour and complete non-committal to any relationship. Courses of therapy, self-help and the diagnosis of Adult ADHD (missed in childhood, which could also be a factor in my behavioural 'issues') resulting in dispensation of the right medication has led me to being a more stable person, and have slowly built some self-belief and confidence.

 

I think the moral or point of the story, is that in a bygone age, physical violence towards a child or a woman was acceptable, by any figure of authority and some still think it is ok. We need to work hard at educating people on violence of any kind however soft, or 'its only a tap', is not acceptable but the longest lasting scars are the emotional impact it leaves behind, whether physical or emotional and this is where people need our support, and outlet and to be freed from the stigma of being able to speak openly to others.

Please feel free to leave a comment.